The new med has a lot of side effects. Some of the mediocre, some of them bad.

I've been having flashes of depression. Weird. Just like glimmers. Like a momentary hole that I fall into and then I breathe and it's gone. A sudden insane urge to break down into tears. A moment when I feel like I'm going to die, when really, all the moments before I felt fine.

I don't want to eat, at all. I don't feel hungry. I've gotten over the bad nausea, but I feel vaguely nauseous all the time. Like morning sickness only not so noticeable, not quite so bad.

Yet I'm calm. Calm all the time.

My mouth gets dry. Even when I'm drinking, my mouth is dry.

I almost fainted Saturday night because I just wasn't hungry and had gone hours without eating.

I don't have a regular poo. I have like a sick poo and then I feel hot and flushed and feverished for a couple hours.

I'm not hungry, but if I don't eat I start to feel bad. My head starts to feel scratchy inside and I start to feel tired. Blood sugar drops. Plummets, really.

Crowds are bothering me again, being in them. I notice it because of all the other moments when I am calm. I notice the desire to run away.

When I tried to have an orgasm last night I thought I was going to have a stroke I was hyperventilating so much. What usually takes five minutes took forty five.

I hate these side effects, all of them. I hate being tired and listless.

But I hate being nervous and anxious all the time even more.